Up in the air . . . with infinite possibilities

Delete her number.

Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.

Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.

She loves you.

She has been in love with you for too long.

So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.

Forget her.

Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.

Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.

Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.

What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.

Doggedly loyal to you.

That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?

She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.

Right now.

But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.

— Fuck (via dolly-kitten)

(Source: laurenhooper)


Love?

Love?
What is love? The age old question that people have been attempting to define for thousands of years in their own, twisted way. Love can be a great deal of things, and it’s difficult for me to even put it into some type of box in order to describe it.

Over the years, I’ve learned what love and loving someone and being in love with someone is and what it is not. But even then, I am sometimes confused about whether or not my feelings for certain people I thought I loved or was in love with and vice-versa, were actually genuine or were they something else?
Love isn’t unhealthy, it’s not possessive, it’s not manipulative or disrespectful, it’s not hurtful. Love isn’t selfish or one-sided. I do believe it exists. I also believe you can love all of the people in your life differently, but at the end of the day, true, unconditional love is acceptance of another human, flaws and all.

I truly believe love was best defined in The Bible, surprisingly enough. The Biblical definition comes from II Corinthians 13:4-13.

"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

To me, that is everything that “Love” is. Love is kind and patient. It isn’t jealous or braggadocios. It’s respectful and selfless. It is understanding and accepting. It doesn’t hold grudges. It is honest. It’s safe, comfortable, trusting and trustworthy. It doesn’t just give up at the first sign of issues. There is no doubt in love. Love is healthy. Love is maturity. Love is growth. Love is fulfilling. Love is everything.

But love, that is healthy, that is honest, that is genuine, is so difficult to find. It’s so difficult that it frightens me. Especially love that is reciprocated to both parties. There’s so many hurt, confused, and emotionally detached people in the world, that are so jaded and bitter that they do everything in their power to run away from love. Some people have never experienced love, from childhood to adulthood, so they don’t even know what it feels like to be loved in a healthy way. Others hardly know what it means to love themselves, let alone having to love other people. Then there’s the people afraid to be vulnerable enough to allow themselves to love and for others to love them. People afraid to love and be loved because of what an emotionally broken or confused person did to them beforehand. So many damaged souls, myself included.

I know love, I am love, and I want to love again and to be loved genuinely, in a healthy and fulfilling loving relationship. That may be the most difficult feat that I will ever have to take on, and I can honestly say that I’m a little scared to put myself out there to find what I deserve. But with every risk, comes a reward and I’m ready to take on that risk.